ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
