dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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