Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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