Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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