When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
