she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
