as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
