I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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