look no pants
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
So. Much. Porn.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
