god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
