Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
