Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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