did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
soo... how was my night?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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