I think I won the penis lottery.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
