11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So drunk its hurt
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
