Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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