even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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