If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
