dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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