What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
