You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
