I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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