M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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