I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
