i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i will never coherently bang her
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we're making bets on your personal life
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
