if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
