Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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