So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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