You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
