I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
