I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
