i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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