I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
