Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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