i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
