I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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