I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
