Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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