Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just want to make out with him forever
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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