I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
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a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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