I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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