at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
