were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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