I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
