I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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