We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
