I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
