If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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