According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
