if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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