Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
