She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
