You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
