First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
