i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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