When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
