Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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