70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
