I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
