i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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