I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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